he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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