theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I love having hate sex.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
