evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
