Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
