brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
