I just saw a hot homeless man
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
