I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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