There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
