you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
