Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
