You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
