true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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