You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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