the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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