I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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