he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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