I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
