I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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