do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
