someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
