So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
