I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
