Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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