I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
