ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
