You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
