I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
