You're my little dorito
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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