No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
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i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
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I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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