I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
