the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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