come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
