Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
