pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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