someone owes me an orgasm
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
