She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
