dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
