dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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