I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
