and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize