It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
