the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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