I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
