I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
