Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
