I heard we made out
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
