ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
