I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
