and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
