I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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