he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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