You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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