(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize