he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
