Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
