we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
