and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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