I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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