First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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