What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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