My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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