I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
